The Science of Winning, by Reverend Mike, BC Guy '97
Some people rely on horoscopes to foretell the future. Those people (in addition to being half-witted jagoffs) aren't even trying to influence the future. They are just standing next to you at a party that your wife dragged you to, sucking down Ritz crackers, annoying you with their new age prattle, and lazily waiting for the stars to do their thing.
We, as football fans, need to take an active role in the outcome of future events. YOU can influence the outcome of BC football games. And this isn't like some voodoo superstition crap. This is the scientific method, string theory, quantum mechanics, and sunspots being judiciously scooped into a casserole dish to create a delicious 7 layer dip of SCIENCE (although this is more of a 4 layer dip, but you get the point).
"But Mike," you say "I don't even play football. I won't even be at the game. How can I influence the outcome?" First of all, you shut your damn mouth and let me finish. You do the listening, I'll do the sciencing:
Beer selection is very important. If BC wins when you drink a certain beer, stick with it. And by all means, HAVE A BACKUP BRAND OF BEER IF THE FIRST ONE DOESN'T WORK. Example: BC always wins when you drink Anchor Steam (note: in this example you are a left-coast hippie fruit).
For whatever reason, the science isn't working and you we're down 14 points in the first half. Get up off your hemp-upholstered couch and grab a different brand of beer out of the fridge. And pick something a real man might drink like High Life or Red Dog (disclaimer: I don't think they make Red Dog anymore, but it sounds tough and you need some toughening, Molly).
Switching beer is like calling a timeout just before an opponent's field goal attempt. It really gets the science going. And if switching beer doesn't work, you aren't drinking enough. Bump up the dosage by 150% each hour until we start winning.
(Increasing dosage may have unintended side effects)
What you wear matters, so wear winning gear. Don't believe me? Remember Penn State 2003? Yeah, that was me. It was the same maroon golf shirt that I wore during Notre Dame 1999. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Here's another (troubling) example: A friend of mine who is a die-hard LSU fan accidentally touched his wife's Florida Gators hat in the summer of 2005. The result: hurricane Katrina. Too soon? Well, I say it's never too soon for science, you freaking slack-jawed luddite.
And if you have some unlucky clothing, make sure you throw it out. Just because you aren't wearing it doesn't mean the bad science isn't still emanating from it. I left the evil gold shirt from the ACC championship game in a dumpster in Jacksonville.
For the record, the ACC championship wasn't my fault. We all knew the game was over when we took the field with the maroon/white uniforms. That was Jags just blatantly thumbing his nose at science. I'm told that he has since learned humility and embraced the science behind the all white uni's.
Been on the couch for that lousy first half? Try the chair. Chair not working? Pace like a frigging lunatic and mutter unintelligibly under your breath ("stupidfriggingdamndamnDAMN!SNAPTHEBALL!" works for me). Whatever you do, don't sit on the floor. I can't tell you how many blown leads are attributable to careless floormanship. I don't care if you are watching the game in a dojo full of paralympians and toddlers. No floor.
Wife in the house? That's no good. Bad science, always. Persuade her to help the team BY TAKING A HIKE AND GIVING ME TWO HOURS OF PEACE, WOMAN! Try this:
You: Hey, I'm going to be watching the game and you know how I get.
Her: Oh God, is this where you drink beer in your superman shirt and scream at the TV all day?
You: Uh, it's "superFAN" and technically it's an "alumni superfan" shirt so I don't see--
Her: You are an embarrassment.
You: I love you.
Her: Shut up, I'm going shopping.
You: Just make sure you go to the ghetto mall and not the fancy one.
Her: Have another Anchor Steam, tinkerbell. This is going to cost you.
...a small price to pay for victory...
(Editor's Note: I am a man of faith and science. Therefore, I'll be wearing my BC whale pants and sitting on the couch.)