The Science of Winning, by Reverend Mike, BC Guy '97
Some people rely on horoscopes to foretell the future. Those people (in addition to being half-witted jagoffs) aren't even trying to influence the future. They are just standing next to you at a party that your wife dragged you to, sucking down Ritz crackers, annoying you with their new age prattle, and lazily waiting for the stars to do their thing.
We, as football fans, need to take an active role in the outcome of future events. YOU can influence the outcome of BC football games. And this isn't like some voodoo superstition crap. This is the scientific method, string theory, quantum mechanics, and sunspots being judiciously scooped into a casserole dish to create a delicious 7 layer dip of SCIENCE (although this is more of a 4 layer dip, but you get the point).
"But Mike," you say "I don't even play football. I won't even be at the game. How can I influence the outcome?" First of all, you shut your damn mouth and let me finish. You do the listening, I'll do the sciencing:
Beer
Beer selection is very important. If BC wins when you drink a certain beer, stick with it. And by all means, HAVE A BACKUP BRAND OF BEER IF THE FIRST ONE DOESN'T WORK. Example: BC always wins when you drink Anchor Steam (note: in this example you are a left-coast hippie fruit).
For whatever reason, the science isn't working and you we're down 14 points in the first half. Get up off your hemp-upholstered couch and grab a different brand of beer out of the fridge. And pick something a real man might drink like High Life or Red Dog (disclaimer: I don't think they make Red Dog anymore, but it sounds tough and you need some toughening, Molly).
Switching beer is like calling a timeout just before an opponent's field goal attempt. It really gets the science going. And if switching beer doesn't work, you aren't drinking enough. Bump up the dosage by 150% each hour until we start winning.
(Increasing dosage may have unintended side effects)Clothes
What you wear matters, so wear winning gear. Don't believe me? Remember Penn State 2003? Yeah, that was me. It was the same maroon golf shirt that I wore during Notre Dame 1999. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Here's another (troubling) example: A friend of mine who is a die-hard LSU fan accidentally touched his wife's Florida Gators hat in the summer of 2005. The result: hurricane Katrina. Too soon? Well, I say it's never too soon for science, you freaking slack-jawed luddite.
And if you have some unlucky clothing, make sure you throw it out. Just because you aren't wearing it doesn't mean the bad science isn't still emanating from it. I left the evil gold shirt from the ACC championship game in a dumpster in Jacksonville.
For the record, the ACC championship wasn't my fault. We all knew the game was over when we took the field with the maroon/white uniforms. That was Jags just blatantly thumbing his nose at science. I'm told that he has since learned humility and embraced the science behind the all white uni's.
Position
Been on the couch for that lousy first half? Try the chair. Chair not working? Pace like a frigging lunatic and mutter unintelligibly under your breath ("stupidfriggingdamndamnDAMN!SNAPTHEBALL!" works for me). Whatever you do, don't sit on the floor. I can't tell you how many blown leads are attributable to careless floormanship. I don't care if you are watching the game in a dojo full of paralympians and toddlers. No floor.
Women
Wife in the house? That's no good. Bad science, always. Persuade her to help the team BY TAKING A HIKE AND GIVING ME TWO HOURS OF PEACE, WOMAN! Try this:
You: Hey, I'm going to be watching the game and you know how I get.
Her: Oh God, is this where you drink beer in your superman shirt and scream at the TV all day?
You: Uh, it's "superFAN" and technically it's an "alumni superfan" shirt so I don't see--
Her: You are an embarrassment.
You: ...
Her: ...
You: I love you.
Her: Shut up, I'm going shopping.
You: Just make sure you go to the ghetto mall and not the fancy one.
Her: Have another Anchor Steam, tinkerbell. This is going to cost you.
...a small price to pay for victory...
(Editor's Note: I am a man of faith and science. Therefore, I'll be wearing my BC whale pants and sitting on the couch.)
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9 comments:
Rev Mike is a funny dude, and his science seems strong. However, I do have beef with the alumni superfan shirt. Just horrendous. Go ahead and rock the old one, unless you're an old-timer who is of the pre-Super Fan days. In which case go with your snazziest sweater-vest/BC polo combo. Oh, and if you graduated after 2006, borrow one of your older brother's shirts or something, because those 'talons of fury' or whatever shirts are just as bad as the alumni superfan shirts. Eagles on the warpath!
Reverend Mike – well said! Virginia Tech win last year… that one goes to J-dubs. He moved to the stairs from the couch to be closer to door so he could storm out after what was most certainly going to be devastating loss. Then things started to “happen” and J-Dubs stayed on the stairs until beer was being sprayed all over the apartment. He got up a couple of times but a room of guys yelling to "STAY ON THE STAIRS!" or "BACK TO YOUR SEAT" kept him in his element. Some people think that win was due to Matt Ryan’s heroic efforts. However, the real “Pontiac Play of the Game” was J-dubs move from the couch to the stairs. Also not a fan of the alumni superfan shirt. And what’s the deal with the Grey Poupon colored “Gold Rush” Gear?
2007 grads and earlier had good superfan shirts, but they have definitely gone downhill from there. BC should just start cycling the 4 best superfan sayings every 4 years, so 2006, 2010, 2014 grads all have the same slogans. Talons of fury is the lamest shit i've ever heard. Plus it wouldn't be so easy for BCPD to pick an underage tailgater out of the crowd, which would be a relief for everyone.
Also, i find that the cutoff can be a pontiac game changer...
Thank you Reverend for the excellent post. And since I never mention, thank you atl eagle for all the great posts and coverage.
worlds are colliding
Excellent science. As for the beer, though, for extra good karma, try and find something from a brewery in Boston. For those on the east coast, I recommend Harpoon. For everyone else, make do with Sam Adams.
Nothing but Busch Light for a BC football game, unless it's the occasional Bud Light to remind you of what those two classy mods would have. Let's be honest, Busch Light was what you drank in the shower at 8am on game day, don't mess it up now with that expensive microbrew crap...save that for Sunday night dinner with your wife's parents...
I drank a sixer of harpoon brown while tailgating with a bunch of clemson fans last year. (You're welcome.) Don't mess with a streak.
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